Dating Can Be A Pain In The Neck

So anyways, writing this blog as of late has been good for me. It's given me a sense of focus, which God knows I am in desperate need of. ADHD's no piI was a young man, I've realized that my interests or rather the number of my intcnic and definitely has its pitfalls, but it's not all bad. Ever since erests have often outnumbered those of my peers. Part of that's probably due to my compulsory need to communicate with others. Having a wider array of topics to bring up enables me to wedge myself into practically any conversation. One of my first loves and an interest that's stayed with me to this day?

Monsters.

God help me, ever since I was like, only seven years old, I've been obsessed with all things in the horror genre. Slasher movies, tales of demonic possession, cannibal hillbilly families jonesing for their next brunch, werewolves roaming the countryside taking a beat to howl at just the right moment, vampires. I've been around the block, my friends. I've found myself in malls, mapping out contingency plans in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I've made it a point to never dismiss a friend's household pet's unexplained growling at a wall as simple moodiness. I've toyed with the idea of having a Catholic priest bless my hands in preparation of an attack from a demonic entity. I decided against that last idea based only on the inefficiency of it all. There are some acts that I have a tendency to perform that would definitely, uh... "Un-sanctify" my hands.




The point is that I approach monster and horror flicks with the right attitude. That attitude being: "Monsters are bad." It's a simple theory really and one as old as time.

See, we as a people, whether or not we choose to admit it, love conflict. And over the course of the PC-ification and altogether castration of this country, we've been told that it's wrong to hate and to label. Now, I'm by no means condoning racism, not at all. In fact, I think that racists are small minded and petty people. If it were up to me, they'd all be placed in internment camps, fed gruel and eventually forced to march to their own deaths into chambers of unspeakable horror.

Uh, let me rephrase that....

What I'm trying to say is that struggles against a common foe breed camaraderie and acts of great bravery. Why do you think that wars and gang activity are so prevalent? It's a simple equation really. Us vs Them. It's the reason why we watch sports and scream obscenities at the other team until we're hoarse and red faced. It's the reason that we play cowboys and Indians as kids. The cathartic thrill of combat is deeply ingrained into our psyches as human beings. Of course, over time, we've been taught that such feelings are wrong. Indians had it rough and as it turns out, more than likely didn't scalp every blue eyed blond haired European that crossed their path. The Commies that James Bond fought during the cold war had families to provide for and were more often than not simply cogs in the machine of an oppressive regime.

Is there no one group totally deserving of a good ass-kicking???

MTV would erase you from the face of the earth if you even tried.

But, wait!!! "Monsters are bad", right?


Hell, I always thought so. When I'd watch as a kid, I'd never find myself identifying with the overly fopped-out bloodsucker that was trying to rip the damsel's throat out... No matter how cool his cape was. When hunters would open fire upon a hirsute wolfman, I never shook my fist at the television screen and muttered, "Those had better be tranq darts or I'm calling PETA..." Monsters are simple escapist fun. Like robots, nobody should bat an eye when a monster gets its just desserts. They're the last of the truly acceptable targets.

So, tell me this? How come, everywhere I go, I am forced to listen to the unbridled chatter of teenage girls as they express their love for Edward Cullen? Seriously? Yes, Vampires make girls swoon. Excuse me for saying this, but that idea strikes me as fundamentally stupid. I know that it's not necessarily a new concept either. For only the last few centuries, we've romanticized the hell out of the undead. Dracula by Bram Stoker, Lestat of Anne Rice fame... Hell, even Angel from BTVS. All killers, yet all able to evoke that sad puppydog face when called out on their bullshit. At least the folks that gave us Angel explained that he'd been an "en-souled" bloodsucker. Even though I hate the trope, I can see the appeal that vampires have for women.

Women like bad boys.

They like beautiful bad boys.

They like beautiful bad boys with great hair.

Maybe it's just jealousy, because try as I might, I'll probably never have that combination of bad, beauty and hair. Maybe, two out of three if I REALLY try... Like, maybe I head on down to Adam Broderick's and get the hot new look... And then maybe, just maybe I shoot my barber. So, what do I do? Well, I do what I do best. I try and point out the ridiculousness of lusting after not only a non-existent character type, but more importantly a non-existent traditionally EVIL character type.

Let's just for the sake of fun throw up some lines from everyone's favorite movie, shall we?

[Edward] You're like my own personal brand of heroin.

[Edward] I'm the world's most dangerous predator, Bella. Every thing about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that... as if you could out run me... as if you could fight me off. I'm designed to kill.

[Bella] I don't care.

[Edward] I've killed people before.

[Bella] It does not matter.

[Edward] I wanted to kill you at first. I've never wanted a human's blood so much, before.

[Bella] I trust you.

[Edward] Don't.


[Bella] How old are you?

[Edward] Seventeen.

[Bella] How long have you been seventeen?

[Edward] A while.

Ok, let's see if I've got this right... You're all dated up with this swell guy with oh so dreamy eyes that... Sometimes change color. That's cool, maybe he's got a really good visual insurance plan. He compares you, his love interest to Schedule 1 substance. Then he not only confesses to murders in the past but informs you of his ongoing desire to kill YOU. Then, it turns out that he's been lying about his age and probably MUCH older than you(Statutory rape, anyone?)... So, what does this all mean?

Check the hair... It's the only way to be sure!!!

For more on monsters from this moron monster, be sure to check out my blog tomorrow. Thanks for reading, folks.